The
Witness

Early childhood family trauma (also referred to as Relational Trauma and Complex-PTSD) is more common than is generally recognised. It is driven by interwoven emotional reactions, especially fear and shame, and hidden by a culture of silence. Sharon courageously sheds light on this devastating condition, which often carries lifelong impacts.

I feel privileged to contribute to Sharon’s story. As Manager of a Relationships Australia counselling service, I worked with Sharon. In her work with individuals and couples, I witnessed the same qualities revealed in her writing: intelligence, empathy, curiosity, compassion, courage, generosity, dedication, and resilience.

Despite the human, financial, and societal costs of Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) or Domestic and Family Violence (DFV or DV) as it is more commonly called in Australia, the profound impacts on the children who witness it continue to be largely misunderstood. Sharon takes us on a challenging journey to explore the fears that arise for children exposed to acute and chronic family violence.

Experiencing and witnessing IPV changes the development of the brain and nervous system, shapes children’s physical and emotional health, and sabotages their emotional regulation, memory, and decision-making. The child’s defensive strategies, initially formed to survive overwhelming experiences, often later unknowingly block attempts at recovery.

Dr Bessel van der Kolk’s 2014 landmark book, The Body Keeps the Score, identifies how traumatic experiences “leave traces on our minds and emotions, on our capacity for joy and intimacy, and even on our biology and immune systems” (p.1). Furthermore, IPV often initiates and sustains an emotional blindness that limits awareness, blocks understanding and healing, and keeps those impacted on a misery-go-round of life-limiting trauma responses.

Adult survivors of IPV often struggle to learn from their experiences, repeating the same problematic choices and behaviours. Moreover, they commonly lose hope of changing and eventually blame themselves for a lack of willpower or imagined character flaws. In reality, the confusion is the result of IPV and early changes in the brain. Without effective interventions, these children can remain caught in survival mode for years and decades, trapped in defensive patterns that limit opportunities for meaningful recovery.

The trauma is further intensified and deepened through IFV stories rarely being told. Unless a child is physically wounded or killed by a perpetrator, the impacts on children continue to be largely underreported. Discouraged from speaking about it, and unaware that other IPV families are “hiding in plain sight” in every neighbourhood and demographic, they innocently accept the stigma of shame attached to IPV families and attempt to deal with the demoralising burden alone. This isolation often intensifies their suffering through characteristics such as acute insecurity, low self-esteem, confusion with boundaries, difficulty in identifying needs, and emotional disregulation, all of which commonly lead in adulthood to compounding issues with relationships and addictions.

Sharon’s courageous sharing of her personal journey and recounting what she learned from experiencing IPV and her long search for healing is an insightful contribution to a largely invisible epidemic with profound, often life-long, impacts on children.

— Tony Swords., Retired Psychologist & A Former Manager, Relationships Australia